Tutorial: How to Buy a Coat Rack

1. Ask Mike to take you to the Zax (huge outdoor market). (You could go by yourself, of course, but soon enough you'll be glad you didn't.)
2. Put on a coat even if it seems unnecessary. Remember that you live in a weather vortex where the temperature is always 10 degrees warmer than the rest of the city. I neglected to remember this last Saturday.
3. Drive. Park. Pay the $.05 fee to enter the Zax. Weave your way through the clothing and shoe stalls until you find the furniture section. (That's the easy part, I assure you.)
   
4. Find the coat racks. Of the three available, you'll need to choose between two that are light brown and one that is lavendar. Tough decision.
5. (If Mike is around, he'll take care of steps 5-12. Phew!) Ask the cost.
6. Ask if there is free delivery.
7. Ask again if the delivery will be free.
8. Explain that last time you were told the delivery was free and then were asked for money after the delivery.
9. Receive assurance that delivery will be free.
10. Ask when the delivery will happen.
11. Ask again when told it will happen "right now".
12. Verify "right now".
13. Pay for your coat rack.
14. Stand by as it's loaded onto a cart.
15. Follow the cart out the back entrance to a pick-up truck. (Try not to get run over by other carts. Their drivers could care less about your toes.)
    
16. Wait 10-15 minutes as they unload the truck and reload the truck. Mike will probably have to help.
    
17. Listen as Mike verifies that they will be leaving soon. As in now.
18. Get in the truck with Mongolian man since you will have to direct him to your house and Mike will have to go back for his own car.
19. Attempt to understand fast, slurred Mongolian as he points to your stuff and says "two" and to the sink in the front seat and says "one".
20. Argue with him in your limited Mongolian. It will go something like this:
• Mongolian Man: (pointing to sink) "One."
• You: (shaking head vigorously) "No. My house. One."
• Mongolian Man: "something something something. Where?"
• You: (realizing you don't know the word for "near" point over his shoulder) "Five minutes. Five minutes."
• Mongolian Man: "Five minutes?"
• You: "Yes. Five minutes." (more pointing)
  
• Mongolian Man: "Okay."
• You: (inward sigh) "Okay."
21. Wait for Mongolian man to have a cigarette, rope down the things in the back of the trunk, try to start his truck, try to fix his truck, try again to start his truck.
22. Attempt to open your door to tell Mike (who is still standing nearby -- thank you, Mike! --) what's happening and discover that your passenger door doesn't open from the inside. (At this point you may or may not have a flashback to the time you had a fit of poor judgment while in Hawaii and accepted a ride from a very large Samoan man only to discover that when he dropped you off, he had to get out and open your door for you. Thank God for his protection and harmless Samoan men.) 
23. Ask Him to protect you again.
24. Sit in the truck as Mike, the driver, and two other Mongolian men push the truck out of the parking stall, which will require a 12-point turn since the trucks are all packed in like sardines.
25. Continue to sit as the men now push the car from behind so your driver can jump the clutch to start the truck. Be thankful it only took one try.
26. Lean forward while a Mongolian woman climbs into the backseat of the pick-up.
27. Move over as another Mongolian man pushes in next to you on the front seat.
28. Smile at Mike as you drive away and hope you won't have to argue again.
29. Point out the left turn to your house. Point out your driveway. (You will realize later that while you thought you were saying "there" and "here", you were actually saying "this" and "that".)
30. When telling the driver where to park, you will say the one phrase you are confident of ("Stop please"), but which will result in all three Mongolians cracking up. Be thankful for laughter.
31. Stand by as the two men and two of the Sprenger boys take your furniture up to your apartment.
32. Be grateful when the driver does not ask for more money.
33. Say "thank you" (because you're an American) and stand back to admire your purchase. 

It's as easy as that.